1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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