Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
