My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
