Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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