I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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