forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
