Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
