I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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