nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
