Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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