and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
