how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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