Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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