please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
