If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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