There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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