Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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