i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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