Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
