I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
