I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
