the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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