sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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