I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
