Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
