Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
