he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
