I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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