As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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