i already hear my dad disowning me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
