I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
