Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
