I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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