I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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