I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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