A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
