WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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