I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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