Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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