Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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