I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
