I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
