Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
