Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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