Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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