I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
