i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
