I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
