I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
