I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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