Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Welp...herpes.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
