i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
