how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
