Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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