Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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