i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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